The Scum Gentry Journal

Satire

Pro-Life, Pro-God, Pro-Ireland: Abort the Abortionists

Pro-Life, Pro-God, Pro-Ireland: Abort the Abortionists

Satire
Fionnuala Hanley Reyes
The story is a familiar one. A fourteen-year-old homeless woman finds herself with an unplanned pregnancy. She has a man in her life, an itinerant, much older than she is, but the child is not his. She doesn’t know how to explain this to him or how they’ll cope with an extra mouth to feed. Will he leave her when he finds out the baby is not genetically his? Pose this question to the liberals and the solution—they’ll scoff—is simple. Abort the innocent, kill the child before it has a chance to stand on its own two feet. Problem solved. Simple indeed. As a former member of Seanad Éireann, as well as a close runner-up in ...
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Britain's Meanest Toughs: Terry Sleach

Britain’s Meanest Toughs: Terry Sleach

Satire
Brip Spears
As the host of “Extreme Wilderness Survival Affront with Brip Spears” as well as “Brip Spears: South American Death Life” and “Introducing: Brip Spears – Explorer Extraordinaire presents”, I’ve faced some of the toughest and most unforgiving climes on the planet. I’ve scaled the peaks of Mount Jillibonzaro (where I was forced to extract nutrition from pearls of my own faeces to reach maximum fitness in advance of my bare-chested run to the bottom), I’ve swam the snake-infested waters of the Zamzo River and survived to tell the tale (with only minor bites to the surface of my scrotum and wider genital area—everywhere else was a mess), I’ve even battled scores of violently frenzied Sherpas in a ...
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A Nose for Taste: Chez Denis

A Nose for Taste: Chez Denis

Satire
Finbarr Geraghty
Picture this. Dublin City, mid-naughties. A Celtic Tiger tamed of its nascent hubris by Global uncertainty is finding its stride once more—a more mature beast, seasoned but still vital, its best days—and wildest nights—most certainly still ahead. In this heady, glitzy urban fanfare, the maverick celebrity chef, with a fuck-you attitude and a menu that forgives all but the gravest of sins, is at the forefront of Ireland’s cultural and economic revolution. And Damo Levi is the wildest of them all. Those of you long enough in the teeth will recall, of course, that back then I was a fully-fledged rock-and-roll writer on the emerging acts beat for Brash Hole Magazine—an arrogant young upstart with more spunk ...
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Tesco Every Day Value Spanish White Wine - A Review

Tesco Every Day Value Spanish White Wine – A Review

Satire
Laurence Vougiouklakis
“Uncomplicated wine, great taste.” These words are printed in green ink upon the rectangular tower of white recyclable cardboard, the carton that houses this litre of cheap Spanish wine that I’ve been called to write about. I have been appointed the futile task of trying to explain to you its gentleness, its deceptive tang that I’ve been raving about to anyone within earshot over the past few days in the village. The explanation offered on the carton, of course, is a comical understatement: for uncomplicated, read strange; for great, read overwhelming ...
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Ritual Terror: A Month in Review

Ritual Terror: A Month in Review

Satire
Manz DeFio
March: a month of fresh beginnings, the promise of improving weather, smiles to be found on the city streets, new-born lawnmowers humming in the distance; producing the ever-pleasing odour of cut grass. The days are a prelude to summer laziness; iced glasses of booze in the garden, girls’ dresses lifting lightly in the breeze, tramps sleeping dangerously close to the water’s edge. But I’m getting distracted by the future. Did March deliver? Did I even have any expectations to begin with? “There’s a sailor who eats Only fish-heads and tails He will show you his teeth That have rotted too soon” ...
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A Procession of Degenerates through Dublin

A Procession of Degenerates through Dublin

Satire
Garret O'Gorman
Last week I had the great fortune to be approached by the reputable boys from TheScumGentry.com, a high brow online enterprise consisting of poets, musicians and essayists. They wanted me to attend a trade union march in Dublin and write up my interpretation of the day’s events. For me, this was a very welcome development. Aside from a widely acclaimed article published in “Irelands Own” magazine in 1996, my writing career had of late slipped into something of a slumber and my work as a lobbyist had died along with Charles Haughey. Did this new offer mark the beginning of a new era for Garret O’Gorman? Had the scandalous allegations made against me in the past been ...
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A Political Manifesto

A Political Manifesto

Satire
Major Farquhar St. John-Smythe
I can’t begin to tell you what fun we’ve had on the hustings in this, our first campaign. My faith has been restored by those most affected by this current recession. It must be simply ghastly for all involved. Such stoicism in the face of impending doom is heart-rending. For that, I commend you all. Because of my status as a tax exile I don’t get to venture out among the good citizenry of Royal County Meath as much I should like to. My work as a Currency Trader similarly, compels one to stay abroad. Consequently, any sojourns into Eire are conducted by stealth. Still, I keep my oar in—with the occasional meet at Fairyhouse, ...
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